Journaling from the past week: 8/20

20 August 2009
Today I got to go to the Centro Historico! It was really awesome because Mali (a former exchange student with K-college) and her friend Juan took us around and showed us the sights. It was really interesting to learn about some Ecuadorian history. Quito is old. Like, antiguo old. It was also really fun because it’s some of the first exploring I’ve gotten to do since getting here and although I felt like a huge tourist it was still really interesting.

foto de mi from the balcony of the President's house. Too bad it was too late, because they actually let you walk around. Very different policy from the White House.

More Centro Historico, that's Juan on the right being a great tour guide :)

I’ve been journaling on my laptop so I’m going to post a little of it so you can get a peak inside my brain. WARNING: Kind of emo at times and also usually long. Since I usually am writing at night, I tend to be tired and more emo than normal. I’m actually fine and having a great time.
Journaling: I think the thing I’ve been having the hardest time with is a) communication b) loneliness

I am very frustrated about not being understood. I never realized what a privilege that is: to be understood wherever you are. To speak to friends and have them understand; to speak to professors and have them answer your question on the first try; to have your own “mother” understand what it is you’re trying to tell her. To not have to be completely dependent on others and to not struggle with basic sentences. I miss comprehension. To understand what’s going on during the news, to understand what employees in the store are saying, to understand what other passerbys are saying. It’s frustrating. To be dependent on other people in order to perform basic functions in life is incredibly humbling but also really frustrating. The fact that I needed the help of Lolo and Dahlia in order to add minutes to my phone in the movistar store is frustrating, especially for such an independent person like myself. I miss being understood straightup.

I walked home at dusk today and that was un poco sketchy because I’ve been told numerous times to not walk alone at night. I was definitely on superguard and I walked really fast (difficult at an altitude of 10,000ft). I miss the comfort of not being on guard all the time. I literally don’t feel like I can ever relax and it’s frustrating. I miss being able to let down my guard and just let go. Even in my house I feel on guard as I feel my way around interacting with Marcia as well as just living in her house (a different world para mi).

Marcia’s house is super clean and efficient, perfect for her, but it’s almost too clean for me. She cleans my room every day and it’s hard for me to feel comfortable when I always feel like I’m messing something up.

Everyone asks me how it is to live with just her and me, and in all honesty, it’s difficult. I get lonely, but I also feel like I never get a break, it’s always just her and me. It’s also difficult because I can’t remember a time when I’ve been this solitary. Growing up in a house with five people then living on the third floor then living in my crazy suite, and now here. I have literally never been this alone. I am so used to being surrounded by other people that it’s strange, and lonely, especially when it’s difficult to communicate with the only other person around. It’s barely 9pm and we’ve already retired to our rooms. I was so desperate to spend time with other people that today was a godsend. To be able to hang with other people for six horas was amazing. I miss other people. The other hard thing about the loneliness is that I’m actually alone. It’s not like I can go on facebook or something or text someone. Well, I could text someone, but that’d waste minutes, and interrupt their night tambien. Entonces, I am, literally, for one of the few times in my life, literally, alone. I can’t text or facebook or call or yell into the next room or just chat with my roommate. I never have this. I don’t ever have this alone-time. Literally alone. At first it was kind of nice, and now it’s dificil. I am so used to having life and craziness surrounding me that this, of all the things I’m facing, is one of the hardest parts. To live with a divorced woman in a very clean apartment by myself without outside contact. It’s not the food, or the language, but this has literally been the hardest part for me so far. I bet that’s a new one for the CIP. Most people are getting used to huge families, but I have the exact opposite problem. I actually miss the insanity of huge family gatherings. I miss just having noise and human contact. I sit in the kitchen just so I can be around Marcia.

But at the same time, the apartment is a nice retreat from the craziness of Quito.