Journals from the past week: 8/19/09

19 August 2009

Journaling: I’m lonely when I go home at night. The down-side to having just my madre and I is that we go to our respective rooms at 9pm and done for the night. Essentially I’m alone from 5pm onwards. And having ppl around during the day is awesome, and having Marcia is great too, but we both like our space but I’m just straight up lonely. Esperanza/Hopey was over last night (after a long misunderstanding between her and her host mom, she just came to my house instead of getting lost in Quito) and I loved it because then I had someone to hang out with for a few hours, but I also had my own time after she left at 8:30pm.

Tonight I talked to Ross and Moe for the first time since I left. It was the first outside-Quito contact I’ve had and I won’t lie, I miss them a lot. I feel like a weak exchange student, being homesick and everything. I know that’s ridiculous of me to think, but I do. I feel bad for wanting outside contact and for being homesick and missing people. I miss the mountains, the oceans, the sun, the greenery of Hawai’i. Quito is suprisingly less green than Hawaii and I miss it. I’m in the city and it’s hard for me: there’s pollution and trash everywhere. There’s always cars and they keep me up at night. We also live pretty close to the airport (I can see the runway from my window) so there’s also planes all the time. It’s also incredibly crowded for an island girl like myself.

The thought of being here in Quito for 6 months terrifies me. I can do it, but at the moment it looks like a huge struggle. It’s going to be hard, but isn’t that why I sent myself here? To challenge myself?

Ok, after twenty minutes of reading some of the most eemo writing I think I’ve ever done in my life, I feel better. I am fine. I am homesick, but I am fine. I miss the people I love, which is normal. I miss the places I love, which is normal. It’s rare to have such a strong affiliation with the place you live [accidentally typed ‘leave’… Freudian slip] so for me it hurts anytime I’m not there. I could be home. I could be in Michigan. But instead I’m on an amazing adventure challenging myself and learning so much in the process.

I am learning that

-I have the ability to communicate, with or without language

-people can always identify with other humans

-life really is different in other places

-I really am very comfortable in my American lifestyle

-I am someone who likes comfort, structure, and other reliable things

-I can handle when things aren’t like this

-it is humbling to have to be completely dependent on another person after finally reaching “adulthood”

-as long as I’m alive, it’s ok, no matter whatever else is happening

-I miss things because I care about them so strongly and I love having them in my life. Rather than a sign of weakness, this is a sign of the strength of my love.

-I can do this.